Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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