I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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