I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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