you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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