My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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