I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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