I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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