he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
