4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
