He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
