Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
