I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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