I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
