Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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