reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
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It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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