We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The 33 Worst Things Men Have Said While Hitting On Women
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...