Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
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why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
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But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.