I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room