he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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