dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
