Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
