I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
