i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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