he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
