I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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