I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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