Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
