Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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