I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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