I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
