I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
