I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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