Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
