I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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