Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
