stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
