I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
