if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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