My Higher Power is John Stamos
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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