Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
