I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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