I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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