Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
