Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
