If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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