a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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