so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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