Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
