I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
