i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
