How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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