Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
