he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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