Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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