Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my being single is dangerous.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
