I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
