Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
