pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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